Where Ford Art Thou?

It has been a long time since I’ve heard the name Rob Ford. All of 2014, the news couldn’t get enough of Ford and his crazy antics. Since leaving the running for Mayor, we have only heard a little bit about his early battles with cancer. After that, the former Toronto celebrity mayor seemed to disappear. What I really want to know is: wherefore art thou Rob Ford?

Since the beginning of March, Ford is still busy with his political agenda and dealing with the backlash of his past scandals. His former chauffeur, Alexander “Sandro” Lisi, who recovered the video of the mayor smoking crack in 2013, appeared in court for the first day of a preliminary hearing on the case against Ford. According to Now Toronto, Sandro is not only Ford’s driver, but also his bodyguard, and alleged drug dealer. Any evidence in the case is guarded by a publication ban, specifically section 539 of the Criminal Code, and cannot be released to the public as of yet.

In more positive and slightly ridiculous news, Ford made $16,100 selling the tie, which I’m sure he bought for forty bucks, from his crack confessional press conference. His second most expensive item was a “Keep Calm and Carry On” poster that hung in his office, which someone bought for $1,600. Just imagine how many college textbooks that could buy. Is this the world we live in where a semi-famous man can make thousands of dollars selling an old tie? The blasphemy!

The tie in question.

The Rhinoceros Party, (yes, this is actually a thing) has invited Ford to join their campaign of sex, drugs, and rock and roll to help the economy. The leader of the party, Sebastian CorRhino, believes Ford’s relationship with sex and drugs is very similar to their belief system. Of course it’s a joke party, but they do have some great ideas like taxing the black market by having cashiers at the exit.

As of a few days ago, Ford is enjoying the weather in Jamaica as we freeze our you-know-what’s off in Canada. He deserves this vacation after going through months of chemotherapy and finally completing the radiation treatment. Ford is still being treated as a celebrity, as he was met at the airport by Glendon Harris, the mayor of Montego Bay. According to the Toronto Sun, Ford is constantly asked by Jamaicans to “do some patois,” and dance like he did to Bob Marley’s One Love before the council meeting in 2013.

Through all the scandals, health scares, and ridiculous statements, Rob Ford will always be one of the most famous mayors in the 21st century. So I say to all Torontonians:

Long. Live. Ford.

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